While I was jogging around Lake McIntosh last week after my daily journaling session, I had an epiphany:
I have come to a place of TOTAL acceptance and trust in all my desires, yet the one desire I haven’t fully let myself embrace,
is my TV watching.
It dawned on me that although I am letting myself watch TV and movies when I really want to,
there is still a basic belief that what I’m doing is not GOOD for me,
which keeps me from FULLY ENJOYING it.
The practice of embracing all my desires, both big and small, in the past few years,
has been life-changing,
so I knew I needed to pay attention to this revelation.
I started to dismantle how I think about TV, and what really makes me determine whether something is GOOD or BAD for me.
In my Christian upbringing, I was taught that there were
definitive lines between good and bad,
and that we needed to get direction about this moral code
from external sources:
the Bible, pastors, our parents, etc.
I was taught to NOT trust my desires,
as they were inherently evil,
because I was inherently sinful at my core.
So this belief has been ingrained in me – it has been a foundational grid, a lens I have looked through my entire life – telling me that certain activities are good, and certain ones bad, and I can’t trust myself to discern the difference.
TV and movies were in a grey area, but there was always this underlying belief that it would be BEST to never watch TV.
I remember when I was about 10 years old, my grandma gave our family a present: a beautiful new television.
But my parents couldn’t receive such an unholy gift – they gave it back to Grandma, making the statement through their actions that TV was not ordained by God. (Just so you know – my parents are avid TV/movie lovers now – they have completely evolved past their legalistic, early Christian days – thank GOD!!)
But that experience sent a message to my little brain, no matter how many hours of TV I’ve watched with my parents since that happened. It sent the message:
“Enjoy it, but not TOO much – because God doesn’t really approve of what you’re doing. You would be much more holy to commune with other believers, or sit in your room and pray, or listen to worship music.”
So here I am, at age 35, still shaming myself for doing something I love, because of a little belief that got lodged in my psyche some 25 years ago.
And so my big, revelatory thought was:
WHAT IF I let go of all negative feelings about it, and decided to
EMBRACE IT as something that is MEANT for me right now,
GOOD for me,
even HEALTHY for me,
simply because I DESIRE it,
and I can TRUST MY DESIRES
now that I’ve learned that everything I was taught about myself was a lie:
I am not inherently evil, sinful –
I am fundamentally good, magnificent, and wise.
In fact, I AM LOVE AND LIGHT at my core,
and therefore I can fully trust and embrace whenever I have a desire to do something,
knowing that if something is not meant for my path,
it will be revealed when I’m ready to see it.
What if, instead of SHAMING myself for my love of TV and movies, I embraced this passion as something GOOD for me, simply because I DESIRE IT?
It’s the freedom I feel now when I drink coffee – I have always LOVED coffee, but until a year and half ago, felt a certain amount of guilt and shame for my love of it. Since I have embraced it as something good for me, I have added so much joy to my life, and have removed that nagging, shaming voice completely from my coffee practice.
The thing is, I hear different reports about coffee all the time – some say it’s good for you, others that it’s bad – but I just ignore all of that, because I know I can trust my own desires now.
I can trust my body and the way it feels FOR ME. I drink coffee when I journal, and it’s a magical experience for me. I am the only voice that matters. I don’t need an external source to tell me whether something is good or bad for me.
So I wrote out this little statement in my journal:
I choose TODAY to LET GO of ALL shaming thoughts about this passion for watching television and movies. I re-frame my thoughts about this: it’s a gift that Life has given me. It helps me dream, inspires me, helps me connect with myself and with my Source. So today I release myself to FULLY ENJOY this gift – there are NO LIMITS on how much I will let myself enjoy it. I trust myself to know what I truly desire and therefore what is good for me in every moment of my life. I let go of all guilt, all attachments to my past Christian judgments, and all shame. I embrace and honor the powerful, wise, magnificent voice of LOVE that is guiding me every moment.
So what was the result?
Since releasing myself to fully enjoy TV, I’ve watched
WAY LESS than I normally do.
(And the shows I have watched I have thoroughly enjoyed!!)
Releasing my feelings of shame actually freed me to blog more, and to share more with all of you about my journey.
It freed me to more fully pursue my purpose.
This is confirmation that I can always trust myself.
When we get our shame out of the way, everything falls into place.
Life always brings everything into balance,
when we learn to trust our desires to guide us.
So what desire do YOU need to embrace more fully today?