How Do You Handle Desire (When You Want It So Badly It HURTS!)?

This morning Vince and I watched CBS Sunday Morning, and saw an interview with Sam Smith.

I love this guy’s voice and music SO much.

By the end of the segment, I was feeling intense emotion,

tears brimming  –

and lots more on their way.

I made sure to tell Vince to pause it right away, so that I could stay in this moment of passion and cry and talk to him about it.

But he didn’t get to the remote in time,

and instead of being able to linger

in that precious moment

with the last gorgeous chord of Sam’s song

still vibrating in my ears and heart,

I heard a loud BLAST of a commercial –

an upbeat, nauseatingly loud jingle

that made me feel like I had been hit by a 2 x 4 in the face,

awoken from a beautiful but fragile dream.

I got SUPER mad at Vince, and ran into the bathroom to try to release some of the now very turbulent mix of emotions I was feeling. Because the passion from watching Sam sing was circumvented, all I could feel now was anger.

I tried to calmly but firmly explain to Vince how I felt disrespected that he didn’t listen to me  —

that he didn’t pause the recording fast enough.

My poor husband!

We went on a walk, and I couldn’t walk close to him like I normally do –

I definitely couldn’t hold his hand.

I felt angry, but worse than that I felt

sort of numb, confused, and emotionally frustrated.

I thought walking faster might help,

but it didn’t.

I told Vince I needed some space,

and suggested a waterfall

where we would meet up ahead a few blocks,

taking separate paths to get there.

On my little walk by myself I cried out to Spirit,

Please help me see what I’m not seeing here. I know that this is not about Vince, it’s about me.  I can’t feel what I’m supposed to feel. Please open my eyes.

And right then, my whole body started to get tired and dizzy.

I felt like I was going to faint.

Luckily, I was getting close to the waterfall where I saw my patient man sitting waiting for me. I didn’t know yet what the deal was exactly,

but I felt lighter

just knowing that my body was telling me to sit there and rest,

to not keep walking.

As I apologized to Vince, the answer came right out of my mouth, before I even registered it in my brain:

“I’m so sorry, honey. This is isn’t about you, it’s about me.

Sometimes it’s really hard to carry the amount of passion I have for music.

And there it was – that truth released me, and I let it all out while Vince held me,

my tears flowing just as freely as the waterfall we were sitting by.

You see, ever since I was 15 and saw Amy Grant perform at the Target Center in MN,

I have known I wanted to be a singer.

It’s become a passion that’s so strong,

it’s actually difficult for me to go to concerts and see live music.

When I went to Red Rocks a few years ago with Vince to see Bon Iver, I bawled the entire concert, even before the music started. Just being in the crowd with 10,000 other people caused me to feel my destiny so strongly, it was almost too much to bear.

I have NO doubts that I will be singing for crowds of people. My consistent visions and desires confirm it over and over again,

and I completely trust LIFE

to lead me to every next beautiful step.

I’ve learned to enjoy and embrace the journey.

I’m done striving – I’ve tried that.

And as I’ve stopped striving and started trusting more in Life

to lead me to the perfect next steps,

amazing things have happened.

My visions have expanded beyond music, to speaking and writing.

Now I see not just music concerts, but conferences that I will lead –

complete with music

and motivational talks

and books to inspire the world.

I’ve learned how to let myself really FEEL the visions and the dreams, and I’ve come to realize that the INTENSE EMOTION I have when something really ignites my sense of desire for my destiny –

this emotion is where the power is.

Letting myself FEEL the desire, express the desire, feel the pain of not having it –

this is the force of desire that causes the Universe

to draw my destiny closer,

to give me the perfect energy for the next step

towards the fulfillment of the visions.

There are so many things I could DO today,

that would logically make sense –

actions a music manager would tell me

I should be doing if I want to be giving big concerts someday.

But the logical doesn’t matter to me at all anymore.

Everything I’ve EVER manifested in my life

has come easily and effortlessly,

as I let myself dream and rest and

ONLY ACT when I have

a joyful, strong, clear desire to do something.

Like writing this blog today.

How will this blog get me closer to sharing my music with the world?

That’s not for me to know or worry about.

I never, ever concern myself with HOW.

I only concern myself with WHAT.

The details always fall into place when we let ourselves

FEEL our desires,

DREAM,

and TRUST that our passion is enough.

That’s how I’ve manifested

my lean strong body,

an incredible marriage,

 having all my time free to pursue my dreams,

and it’s the exact same process that will lead me to that stage,

inspiring people through music like I saw Sam Smith doing today.

So what passion do YOU have that almost hurts to dream about?

I assure you, the DREAMING and the FEELING is where the power is.

Let yourself feel it!

You are more powerful than you can fathom.

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