Today’s blog is in direct response to a great question I received in a comment yesterday from a friend from college, Matt. He read my recent blog about my childhood sexual abuse and
“Noelle, amazing story….one I never knew and one that is freeing for you and has brought healing to your life. For that I’m so thankful. Praise God!
It seemed in your article that you simply looked to inner strength and that you made the decision to become who you are. There wasn’t a mention of God and His grace upon your life. Now, I may have misunderstood it, but
where was God in all of this?”
Matt, thank you so much for your question! I’m so glad to hear from you, and I’m happy to respond.
I want to start by saying that absolutely, positively,
I have been guided,
which is another term for God.
I also use the word Life a lot, which to me is another word for God.
So in my list of the 14 steps in the process of my healing,
whenever I said Life:
“I realized Life was holding me” or,
“I let Life heal me”
I could have just as easily said
“God was holding me” or
“I let God heal me”.
So, you may ask, why the switcheroo in terminology?
Why not just say God, and a deeper question you may be thinking:
Why do you seem to be taking the credit for your healing and transformation?
Shouldn’t God get all the glory?
These questions point to the bigger faith story of my life, which has been unfolding and evolving in a way that surprises even me
(and at first, completely SCARED me!).
When I had my initial awakening moment in 2008,
the Spirit of Love and Light,
which I absolutely, in that moment,
viewed through the Christian lens I had always known –
in that moment I experienced
the most powerful,
mind-blowing spiritual encounter I’ve EVER had.
In that moment, I had clarity, I had truth,
I had complete peace and joy flood every inch of my being.
That was the moment that changed me forever,
and I experienced it as the Father picking me up and holding me,
reassuring me that I was not damaged and that I was extravagantly loved.
And the catalyst for this moment
was my Bible
falling open to Psalm 27:
“The Lord is my Light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the Stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?”
Even though I had read that verse a thousand times,
in this moment of awakening it was
as if the words meant so much more
than my brain could EVER process –
it went straight to my heart, straight connection to my spirit.
I felt lifted, revived, awakened – and my life has never been the same.
It was a more powerful experience than I had ever had in a church –
it was real and intense
and to this day is the most precious moment of my life,
because I feel like I glimpsed the other side, heaven, the Truth of life –
that we are ALL being held by Love –
always have been and always will be.
In that moment I saw that there is never anything to fear.
Fear doesn’t exist in that kind of powerful Love.
I took my awakening and went straight to the Christian church, the only way I knew to continue this incredible experience of Love I was having.
I became a worship leader of a huge church,
and led others to the Joy and Life and Love I had found.
But deep down, I knew that this experience I had couldn’t be contained in the walls of a church, or even within the theology I had always held onto.
It was so much bigger than religion,
so much more encompassing than belief.
I learned how to talk with God the way I had always dreamed I would be able to, and at Starbucks I would have conversations with God, and I would write them down in my journal – this 2-way conversation, picturing this other Being, my God, sitting at the table across from me.
As I continued this journey of daily communion with God, something surprising and interesting started happening.
I noticed that within a few months, my conversations with God
became more like a conversation with Spirit,
and even with myself — with my true, highest self.
I started to feel less of a separation in the conversation,
and noticed that I didn’t have to look up,
or look across the table to see God,
I could just look within.
The words of Jesus started making more sense than they ever had:
“The kingdom of God is within you”.
I began learning to trust in
my own highest voice of Love,
which I found was completely connected to God already –
there was no separation, and never had been, except in my mind.
So as my voice and God’s became one,
the process of hearing Spirit,
of receiving guidance,
became so easy,
Instead of closing my eyes and praying and asking for help,
I could just start writing, surrendering,
and all the answers would come effortlessly.
I prefer to use Love and Life and Light these days when I refer to my Source, my Creator,
because God has a slightly limiting quality to me,
one that points to my former, more narrow worldview.
My view of God has completely changed. I don’t see God as a person who sits up in heaven and looks down on us, intervening when we need help.
I feel God with me constantly,
I see Spirit everywhere,
the Creator is holding everything together,
and we can tap into that same creative energy
whenever we let go of our limiting beliefs
and let our true selves flow to the world with Love,
which is our very essence.
I don’t feel any need to verbally give an external entity the glory,
because the Creator is glorified
by Me being fully Noelle.
What greater gift could I give to God –
what greater worship could I offer
than to be powerful and loving,
to be everything that God dreamed I could be?
So the answer to your question, “Where is God in all of this?”
The answer is – EVERYWHERE!
P.S. To see my incredible moment of awakening, watch this 10-minute video I made. But get ready – it’s powerful!