I had a MOMENTOUS breakthrough in rising above fear being alone in the van last night. I’m gonna share it with you straight out of my journal:
7:22 pm Sat February 6
“I’m feeling better tonight in the van. When I pulled into the Walmart parking lot there was a middle-aged black man standing outside his car, the same car that had kind of weirded me out last night. He’s obviously living in it. So I have been looking out the back window, hoping he’ll leave. I realized one of the things that sparked my fears last night, is that it feels kind of like it’s just me and this guy’s car – there aren’t any other RVs around, which is unusual for this location. It leaves me feeling more vulnerable than if there were others like me around. But now I’m making peace with it. And I’m processing what thoughts cause me to be afraid. It’s very interesting. Am I scared of him because he lives in a little car? Because he’s black? Because he’s middle-aged? Would I feel less scared if he were in a nice RV, or white, or old?
And as you take this train of thought down the way, you realize how pointless and illusionary fear is. This guy could be the sweetest, kindest, gentlest man on the planet. Why is it my FIRST assumption to FEAR him? Why do I CHOOSE to feel afraid, instead of CHOOSING to feel comforted by his presence?
In what scenario would the sight of him actually bring me extreme relief and comfort and joy? For example, if I were out in the woods alone and there was a big grizzly bear coming at me, but then I saw this man standing outside his car on a clearing just behind some trees, well, in THIS scenario, I would not think twice before RUNNING to this man and jumping in the car with him. No question whatsoever of feeling relief and comfort and joy at seeing him.
So this begs the question, if this really is a CHOICE to be afraid or not, WHAT IF I could simply choose, right now, to feel like this man is the sweetest, kindest man on the planet? In both scenarios all the circumstances are the same. In one, I am sitting here in my van, afraid. I am constantly going to my back window, lifting the curtain, to see if he’s still parked there, hoping he’ll leave, gripped with fear. And in the other scenario, I see him and feel happy and safe and don’t think about it another moment, and proceed to enjoy my evening alone.
WOW. This is a TRIPPY thought! What IF I CHOOSE TO SEE EVERYONE as GOOD, KIND, and SAFE, and I simply TRUST that God will protect me, and that if there is ever any danger to avoid, LIFE will steer me clear of it by guiding me with my intuition, my Joy, NOT with FEAR?!?
So can I do this right now? Can I CHOOSE to feel completely SAFE right here in the van? Completely protected? Can I choose to see that man as a kind, good, wonderful man and not think another thought about it? Can I set myself FREE from all fear? I can. This is my challenge on this journey, and my intention. I should read Peace Pilgrim’s book again. THAT would really inspire me on this topic for sure. If you think what I’m doing is a big deal? Well, read her story. She slept OUTSIDE, in stranger’s cars, even one time with a guy who’s intention was to RAPE HER, but she wasn’t afraid of him, she slept like a baby all night in the backseat of his car. In the morning he asked her what her deal was, confessing that he had planned to rape her, but just couldn’t do it because it was like this bubble of peace and love surrounded her. He couldn’t bring himself to touch her. What I’m doing is NOTHING compared to that! If she can do THAT, I can do this. I’m in civilization, at a nice well-lit Walmart parking lot, no wild beasts (we’ll have to conquer that fear another time), shelter over my head, and plenty of nice people around. I can hear the rain on the roof right now. I’m safe and warm and I can CHOOSE to SEE my surroundings as HOME, as a SAFE, BEAUTIFUL, COMFORTABLE PLACE.
Am I going to be perfect at this immediately? Of course not. But this is my new goal: to CHOOSE to see the world as SAFE and BEAUTIFUL and WONDERFUL. To forget about all danger, to simply entrust my life to God, the Universe, and to know that I am guided on all perfect paths for me. I intend to SEE the world as a SAFE, MAGICAL place with ONLY GOOD PEOPLE.
As my hero Wayne Dyer always said, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”
I always say I want to change the world. Maybe THIS is how I will. “
And as a beautiful follow-up, I slept for 9 hours, and a miracle happened. As I was falling asleep, I allowed myself to wish or imagine that the space around me was filled with other RVs like mine with wonderful people, that it was like a community. And I got up to pee in the middle of the night, about midnight, and sure enough, I looked out my window and saw a big RV parked just one foot from me, and then I looked out the back window and there were THREE Sprinter vans behind me, JUST LIKE MINE. I was SO happy, and felt so peaceful, and continued to sleep through the night. When I woke up at 7am, I looked out the side window and noticed there was no RV. I thought, that’s strange. Then I looked out the back window and there were no Sprinter vans. All I saw was that nice man’s car, just like the night before. And I sat down on my couch, in amazement.
It had been a dream. God had given me the perfect thoughts, in my sleep, to allow me to feel and KNOW that as I trust that I am safe, I AM.