Big Romantic News! And what if that thing you want is actually GOOD for you?

Is there something you want that you feel BAD about wanting? Do you have a roller-coaster relationship with something (or someone) in your life, and judge yourself for this? Well, my relationship with food and coffee has been like this for many years, until I had a breakthrough a few years ago after fasting for 33 days from both food and coffee. I discovered that just because I had had an unhealthy relationship with coffee in the past, didn’t mean that it couldn’t be something good and healthy in my life in the future.

If you haven’t already noticed, I’m an extreme and passionate person. And I’ve had a tendency to want to put things and people into black and white categories:

That’s good for me, that’s bad for me.
That’s right for me, that’s wrong for me. Etc. Etc.

But what I’m learning through my recent reunion with Vince (yes, that’s right, the news is out!), is that sometimes we simply need to hit a reset button, to fast, to have a break, to let something go. And then that thing (or person) can come back to us, in a healthy way, in a balanced place that wasn’t possible before the break.

A lot of my life I’ve been sabotaging my desires by my FEAR that they are bad for me. I spent so many years in the church learning that my desires were inherently bad, so I’ve spent a lot of time retraining my psyche in the truth that I can actually TRUST my desires, not fear them. The problem that occurs when we FEAR our desires, is that they become the thing we are afraid they might be. I was afraid coffee was bad for me, so I held onto it for dear life, until my relationship with it became very imbalanced. But once I finally let it go and realized all I needed was a reset, it became healthy for me. And now coffee is a great thing in my life. I love it and enjoy it and I don’t care what anyone else thinks about coffee, because I know for ME, it’s a good thing that enhances my life. It’s something I love and enjoy.

And you can use the analogy of my desire for coffee, for anything in your life that you desire, including a person. There was unhealthiness in my relationship with Vince. It was time for a big reset. And because we did that, we are now discovering each other in a whole new way. We are coming back together in fullness and life and passion, realizing that just because we had developed unhealthy patterns doesn’t mean we are “bad” for each other. On the contrary, now that we are in a new relationship with space and joy and freedom and wholeness, we are very GOOD for each other. We enhance each other’s lives. I’m better with him than without him.

So I challenge you today to think about your desires. Is there something you’ve been battling, and you think that if you let that thing go, that you will lose it forever? I encourage you, that by letting it go for a day or a season, you will be entrusting it to LIFE, to GOD, and that God always gives us the desires of our hearts. So if your desire continues to be strong for that thing you let go of, then it will surely come back to you and be better for you than ever. There is nothing to fear in letting go. There is everything to gain, and nothing to lose. In letting go of Vince, I have gained the most passionate, amazing relationship of my life. Because of the break-up, he has come alive. I am essentially with a new man. And yet, he is the best friend I’ve known and loved for 7 years. Sure, it was scary and painful to let him go. But I am more confident than ever to tell you: trust your heart, trust your desires. You may go through pain, but on the other side of the pain, is passion and love greater than you can imagine. 

Watch today’s show for the amazing story of my reunion with Vince!

Why I LOVE My Ego

There’s a lot of talk in the spiritual world of awakening about spirit vs. ego.

I myself have written about it a lot.

It’s true, in Spirit we are free, and in ego, we are chained.

Spirit = love, ego = fear.

And on and on.

And I think because of these basic truths about spirit and ego there can be a tendency to demonize the idea of the ego: to be ashamed of it, to fight it, to be afraid of it.

And yesterday I had an epiphany: I absolutely LOVE my ego. I’m grateful for it. I don’t want it to go away.

Before you think I’ve gone crazy, let me unpack this for you. If you’re anything like me, I think this post will REALLY uplift you today. So open your heart, open your mind, and join me on a crazy ride.

I believe we are spiritual beings having a human experience. I think the core of who I am, is LOVE. Spirit. Joy. Peace.

I think I existed long before I came into this body. And I believe at our core, in Spirit, we are all connected. We are ONE.

But for some reason, right now, I have chosen to have a human experience.

And in this life on earth, in this THRILLING portion of my eternal existence, I am named Noelle. I am human. I’m tall, I have long hair with a pink streak, I’m sensitive, passionate, and crazy emotional. I have BIG DREAMS. I’m excited to have a huge impact on our world. I see myself on stages inspiring huge crowds of people and doing big music tours. I’m so excited for the world to know who I am and to have lots of money and to make a GIGANTIC change in our world.

I want to inspire as many people as I possibly can.

I love sex and movies and walks on the beach and I love getting angry and experiencing anxiety and even pain. For me, this is all what makes me human.

I love coffee. I love journaling and being alone. I cry VERY easily. I have small boobs and now I’m so happy about that! I don’t wear bras anymore AT ALL. I’ve learned to love the hair on my legs.

I LOVE being in a best friend extremely close relationship with my life partner. I love cuddling with Vince and I love having space from Vince.

I love that I’m special and unique and different from every other human in existence, throughout time. I love that I can feel other people’s energies, and that I have to limit my time around other humans in order to fully be me.

I love that one day I can watch a clip of me singing and feel like I’m a horrible singer, and the next day I can watch the same clip and feel that I’m one of the best singers in the world.

I love that I’m extreme and dramatic and that I deeply care about people, but that I’m able to set amazingly strong boundaries for myself whenever I need to.

I love every part of me, including my ego.

My ego – my anxiety, fear, pain – is one of the greatest gifts I have. I LOVE when I get offended or start to feel really heavy about something, because I choose to see it as a treasure hunt. My ego is leading me to a truth I need to find.

So I say, “Ah ha! I feel heavy. I feel sad, I feel depressed. Ok ego, where are you leading me?”

And I go to my journal and delve into it, deeper and deeper, until I hit the light and the joy and the release. And my ego leads me to an AMAZING revelation, like the one I’m sharing with you right now.

You see? My Spirit works in tandem with my ego. There is nothing to fear about ego. When we squash the ego, it will just fester and cry out until we listen to it.

I choose to listen, and then I am catapulted into deeper freedom and joy than I had BEFORE the pain or the heaviness.

I don’t have the GOAL, like some do, to transcend my ego and leave it behind. I WANT to be human. I LOVE being human. I can feel on top of the world one day, fully in spirit and alive and joyful, and that’s amazing.

But then the next day I can have a huge fight with Vince and feel all kinds of pain and anger, and deal with it and struggle with it and listen to my feelings and allow myself to FEEL all of it, and it feels fucking incredible. To just FEEEEEEEL. And then as I embrace everything I feel, Vince and I enter a new level of passion and freedom and it’s all just AWESOME. The shit, the fights, the anger, the pain, the fear – when else are we going to experience all of these amazing emotions? This is our time, people. We’re HUMAN!

So I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to absorb into the whole, and become a blob of Spirit with everyone else. I want to be different, special, unique. I embrace ALL my desires. I embrace that I’m a leader, not a joiner. And I honor whatever YOU want to be. I honor YOUR humanity.

And if you’d rather meditate and levitate and become ONE with everyone else and live completely in Spirit transcending your ego every moment, then I say, “More power to you! That’s amazing! I honor you.”

It’s just not for me, at least not right now.

I’m not there yet, and I’m ok with that.

Right now, I’m loving both the joy and the pain, the light and the dark, the soaring and the grounding, the yin and the yang, of being fully and uniquely ME.

Are You Flowing With The Seasons Of Your Life, Or Trying to Push Your Way Through?

The snow is falling here in Longmont, Colorado today, as I know it is in many other parts of the country. I can’t contain the deeply joyful, magical feeling that invades me every time I experience the first snowfall of the year. I wish I could capture my emotions on this day and feel this way all the time. It’s been this way for me since I was a little girl growing up in Minnesota. Why the strong emotions? Maybe it’s the fact that it signifies my birthday is coming up soon, maybe it’s that it points to time with family, Thanksgiving, Christmas. I really have no idea why I feel so magical when the snow comes. But it never fails.  Suddenly, when I see those flakes falling, I feel like a little girl again. There’s magic and beauty everywhere. I enter a fairy-tale world where anything is possible. I lose my inhibitions with people, I feel free and happy, and connected.

Maybe part of it is that I feel permission to stay inside, to be cozy, to curl up with a book or movie or my journal and just dream. Sometimes the sunny days make me feel pressure to get outside and soak up the day. But when the snow comes? I can stay inside, gaze out at the beauty, and dream away, knowing everyone else is inside too. Words don’t do justice to how enchanting the snow is to me.

The snowfall today makes me think about the seasons in my life, and how as I’ve connected deeply with who I am and stopped striving to be somebody else, I’ve learned to flow with every desire as it comes. I no longer push myself to do something when I don’t feel enthusiastic, excited, or at the very least, deeply peaceful about it.

And I know, the red flag that goes up for people when I say that, is:

“You can’t trust your desires! Sometimes you have to push yourself!”

And I fundamentally, positively, with everything in me, disagree with that; however, here’s the precursor to being able to flow fully with your desires and the natural movement of who you are:

First, you have to let go of EVERYTHING.

And the process of letting go of everything, is not an overnight process.
But wherever you are in your journey of letting go of attachments to things, people, obligations, conclusions, beliefs, etc — you can start today to flow more with your natural rhythms.

You can ask yourself what your heart is telling you, what your body is telling you. Do you need to rest? Or do you need to move? Do you need to cry, or laugh?  What season of life are you in today? Once you start asking yourself these questions, and really listening for the answers, you will build a relationship with your inner knowing, and you will start to flow with your energy and desires. It’s a beautiful, easy, effortless, magical way to live.

I no longer push myself to do anything. I don’t have any obligations in my life that I don’t want to have. I have cleared my schedule, my thoughts, my relationships, my attachment to possessions and conclusions.

And so when I ACT, like writing this blog post today, it comes from a deep place of rest and peace and joy. I don’t have any voices of obligation or pressure pushing me to do anything.

Every action I take, whether it’s waiting or resting or doing, comes from desire. And as I listen to this inner knowing and the flow of energy that comes from deep within me, everything works together perfectly. I no longer get sick, or stressed out, or frantic, or pressured. And what’s good for ME, ends up being good for everyone in my life. Life is easy and peaceful and magical.

Here’s a specific example: I love to sing, I AM a singer, and for most of my life worked on singing and viewed it as my main thing. It defined who I was.  So along with that conclusion about my identity, came the conclusion about how that would look in my life. I assumed that I should be singing and performing all the time. I saw the way other singers operated, and I assumed I needed to be like them: perform a lot, sing all the time, sit down at the piano everyday and work on songs, etc.  So I pushed myself to sing when I didn’t really want to.

But as I started trusting my desires, I noticed that music was not something I naturally wanted to do every day. In fact, I noticed that I only really wanted to sing and perform when I had an exciting event to prepare for, with a specific purpose. And I found that those times when I was excited about singing were very seasonal. They came in chunks, usually about a month or 2 long, and they left just as swiftly as they came.

As I have accepted this, and re-framed how I view music in my life, I have discovered that WRITING is the daily art form that I love. It’s something I naturally do daily, whether I’m sharing in a blog with all of you, or I’m writing in my journal for the pure joy and release it brings me. Writing is my main thing. It was a HUGE mind shift to accept this, when I first saw the reality of it. When you’ve had a conclusion in your brain about your identity your entire life, it’s not an easy thing to let go of it. But the total acceptance of my natural energy and desires is one of the most thrilling experiences of my life. It has released me to be who I am.

And I absolutely still LOVE to sing, whenever the time is right for it. It’s a seasonal, special thing for me to share my music with the world. And now that I can see the truth of that, I no longer push myself to do performances when I don’t really want to. It’s so freeing! No more striving!

So what desires are you ignoring today? What conclusions have you made about how you spend your time, that you could let go of? Are you making decisions with your time based on what YOU really want, or are you choosing based on what others want for you, or based on what you think is the ‘right’ thing to do?

What I’ve learned in my journey towards wholeness, is that the ‘right’ thing is usually the thing that seems too good to be true. I never imagined that I could spend so much of my day writing – writing is so fun and easy for me, it seemed too good to be true to be able to do this all the time. But that’s how life is meant to be! It’s meant to be easy, not difficult!

When we start listening to our own voice of desire (which is fundamentally connected to God), we begin to flow with the natural rhythm of who we are. And as we embrace who we really are, everything magically falls into place, just like the snow.

Photo Credit: Kevin Burkett

How Embracing My Desire for TV Freed Me To Pursue My Purpose

While I was jogging around Lake McIntosh last week after my daily journaling session, I had an epiphany:

I have come to a place of TOTAL acceptance and trust in all my desires, yet the one desire I haven’t fully let myself embrace,

is my TV watching.

It dawned on me that although I am letting myself watch TV and movies when I really want to,

there is still a basic belief that what I’m doing is not GOOD for me,

which keeps me from FULLY ENJOYING it.

The practice of embracing all my desires, both big and small, in the past few years,

has been life-changing,

so I knew I needed to pay attention to this revelation.

I started to dismantle how I think about TV, and what really makes me determine whether something is GOOD or BAD for me.

In my Christian upbringing, I was taught that there were

definitive lines between good and bad,

and that we needed to get direction about this moral code

from external sources:

the Bible, pastors, our parents, etc.

I was taught to NOT trust my desires,

as they were inherently evil,

because I was inherently sinful at my core.

So this belief has been ingrained in me – it has been a foundational grid, a lens I have looked through my entire life – telling me that certain activities are good, and certain ones bad, and I can’t trust myself to discern the difference.

TV and movies were in a grey area, but there was always this underlying belief that it would be BEST to never watch TV.

I remember when I was about 10 years old, my grandma gave our family a present: a beautiful new television.

But my parents couldn’t receive such an unholy gift – they gave it back to Grandma, making the statement through their actions that TV was not ordained by God. (Just so you know – my parents are avid TV/movie lovers now – they have completely evolved past their legalistic, early Christian days – thank GOD!!)

But that experience sent a message to my little brain, no matter how many hours of TV I’ve watched with my parents since that happened. It sent the message:

“Enjoy it, but not TOO much – because God doesn’t really approve of what you’re doing. You would be much more holy to commune with other believers, or sit in your room and pray, or listen to worship music.”

So here I am, at age 35, still shaming myself for doing something I love, because of a little belief that got lodged in my psyche some 25 years ago.

And so my big, revelatory thought was:

WHAT IF I let go of all negative feelings about it, and decided to

EMBRACE IT as something that is MEANT for me right now,

GOOD for me,

even HEALTHY for me,

simply because I DESIRE it,

and I can TRUST MY DESIRES

now that I’ve learned that everything I was taught about myself was a lie:

I am not inherently evil, sinful –

I am fundamentally good, magnificent, and wise.

In fact, I AM LOVE AND LIGHT at my core,

and therefore I can fully trust and embrace whenever I have a desire to do something,

knowing that if something is not meant for my path,

it will be revealed when I’m ready to see it.

What if, instead of SHAMING myself for my love of TV and movies, I embraced this passion as something GOOD for me, simply because I DESIRE IT?

It’s the freedom I feel now when I drink coffee – I have always LOVED coffee, but until a year and half ago, felt a certain amount of guilt and shame for my love of it. Since I have embraced it as something good for me, I have added so much joy to my life, and have removed that nagging, shaming voice completely from my coffee practice.

The thing is, I hear different reports about coffee all the time – some say it’s good for you, others that it’s bad – but I just ignore all of that, because I know I can trust my own desires now.

I can trust my body and the way it feels FOR ME. I drink coffee when I journal, and it’s a magical experience for me. I am the only voice that matters. I don’t need an external source to tell me whether something is good or bad for me.

So I wrote out this little statement in my journal:

I choose TODAY to LET GO of ALL shaming thoughts about this passion for watching television and movies. I re-frame my thoughts about this: it’s a gift that Life has given me. It helps me dream, inspires me, helps me connect with myself and with my Source. So today I release myself to FULLY ENJOY this gift – there are NO LIMITS on how much I will let myself enjoy it. I trust myself to know what I truly desire and therefore what is good for me in every moment of my life. I let go of all guilt, all attachments to my past Christian judgments, and all shame. I embrace and honor the powerful, wise, magnificent voice of LOVE that is guiding me every moment.

So what was the result?

TOTALLY CRAZY!

Since releasing myself to fully enjoy TV, I’ve watched

WAY LESS than I normally do.

(And the shows I have watched I have thoroughly enjoyed!!)

Releasing my feelings of shame actually freed me to blog more, and to share more with all of you about my journey.

It freed me to more fully pursue my purpose.

This is confirmation that I can always trust myself.

When we get our shame out of the way, everything falls into place.

Life always brings everything into balance,

when we learn to trust our desires to guide us.

So what desire do YOU need to embrace more fully today?